How to make a Killer Thread on ATS

I am not talking about a killer thread like SpartanKing's Houdini Thread, which I found rather informative. I am talking about the lowest common denominator threads. I am talking a thread with 700 posts and 3 flags. A thread where people get banned for losing their cool(or not having any to begin with).

Here are the rules.

1. Make your title all caps and sensationalize the urgency. If you make it all caps, it will get changed by a mod, giving you the all important "Mod Edit"(see rule 3).

2. Grammar is not necessary or advised. If you give the impression that you are completely void of any intellectual thought, you will get to at least 2 pages of filth.

3. Mod edit: Everyone of your posts should have at least one of these. This makes you seem emotional and irrational, especially if they remove expletives. If you can maintain a stream of mod edits, the thread will never die.

4. Say something ridiculous(for some of the readers, this means just saying what you think). If one says something unfounded, people will start flaming, this is the precursor to rule 7.

5. DO NOT, under any circumstance, use proper punctuation. This shows that you type in a stream-of-consciousness way. In some rare instances, this gives some of the less intelligent people on the board think you are an alien.

6. You want your posts on the thread to outnumber all of the posts from other users in a ratio of 1.5:1. This shows just how moronic the thread is (giving you at least 50 more hits). One line posts, back to back, are an easy way of doing this and leaving a reason for the all important "Mod Edit"

7. Flame War!!!1!!11one!: A thread can never reach the upper echelons of greatness without at least 20 pages of useless content. To achieve this, start belittling peoples characters, attack those that defend you, and do not read any posts including your own. Make sure not to attack an intelligent user on ATS because they will likely put you on their ignore list and forget about your stupid thread.

8. Try to offend people. This goes along well with rule 1 and 7. If you can create a name with a hook like "ATS is a bunch of gay CoIntelPro" you are golden. You have just offended all users and mods as well as gay people. This makes you seem like a bigot from the get-go and a flame war will erupt in no time.



I hope this guide was informative for those of you looking to boost your ego. I wish all users well in their quest to achieve internet-coolness. Nothing is cooler than The Ban Hammer

Mod Edit: To Enhance Thread, And OP's Street Cred.

[edit on 23/5/2008 by Mirthful Me]

Wow DINSTAAR, thanks for the compliment on My Houdini thread as well as the recognition. Since you liked that one I thought I would share a few examples I recently have done.

Verichip Corporation - Biochip Stock - E*Trade

Becoming a Detective of Conspiracy Theories

Blackwater : Right-Wing Conservative America, Whether You Like It Or Not...

Thanks again DINSTAAR, for the compliments.

So now I know what I have been doing wrong all these years.

Thanks for the thumbs up. I shall keep this in mind.

DS,

Magnificent! I was thinking about creating an automated rating system in PHP that would assign points for these trollish actions... everyone could have troll points (TP). We could have a full-blown ranking system, with special privileges and awards. Perhaps an automated publicly announced ban by the joke bot.

Troll points. Hilarious.

I think we should rate the top troll threads.

HERE is a new one. I think it this is pretty much a DINSTAAR approved super-thread of awesome. I would give this a 3 out of 5 staars(yes it's with 2 a's) for internet cool.


Thanks for the mod edit.

Way to go Dinstaar!!

I laughed, I cried I took notes

Seriously, hilarious stuff you wrote and oh how true!

Yes that thread you posted is a perfect example, the OP must have paid for your seminar held at the Holiday Inn next to the No Oil Painting Over $25 Fair!

I had a bit of fun with that thread while I watched the Indy 500 today.

LMFAO@ at the automated rating system for Troll Posts...superb!!!






[edit on 25-5-2008 by LateApexer313]

Another great thread starting on ATS, get in on the ground floor before it goes for 15 pages.

www.abovetopsecret.com...

It has all the makings of being a 5 on the Troll scale. Film at 11.

reply to post by DINSTAAR

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I have lost count of the number of threads I have created and gotten little or no response, yet someone else can create a thread about the exact same topic and earn flags and stars and point beyond belief! I even asked about it on several of the like threads, nobody wanted to point out what the problem is! Thanks for some tips.

I'm disappointed. The title of this thread is misleading. I thought I would be informed of how to kill someone by posting something on ATS.

Ask and ye shall receive...

A real gem:

www.abovetopsecret.com...

reply to post by Mirthful Me

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Holding my belly and laughing with my head thrown back, wow, and what a gem it is! I am only on the first paragraph of the opening post and I can't stop laughing. Luckily I wasn't sipping my coffee when I clicked on the link or another keyboard would have bitten the dust!

NEW ONE

This is another gem from a great new poster.
This is a perfect example of how to get quick points.

Optimally, one wants more pages than flags, but this thread goes way up.

4 Flags, 10 pages of crap. (thats a whopping -6! or a -7 if you take away the OPs flag)

I give this page 10 staars.

reply to post by DINSTAAR

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Dude, you're right! I need points and here's how I'm gonna do it.

I'm going to start 3 threads.

#1. I'M VOTING FOR OBAMA BECAUSE HE HATES WHITE PEOPLE!!

#2. WE NEED TO GIVE CALIFORNIA AND TEXAS BACK TO MEXICO

#3. ISLAM IS THE ONE TRUE RELIGION. DEATH TO INFIDELS

I guarantee some of them will definitely get hits. Shall we observe? I'd love to get some Mod approval for this since I'll be knowingly posting inaccurate information.


Edit: Here's a gem I hate skeptics and all of you (note: I took some liberty with the title since I couldn't remember it exactly.)

[edit on 3-6-2008 by Rasobasi420]

Thats a good find. That particular user tends to have threads like these. In his/her thread HERE I was surprised to see that he bothered to capitalize the first word.... and then I noticed it was a zero.

ANOTHER GOOD ONE

This guy claims to have filmed a UFO every day since April 21.

This cheered me up greatly!!




I'm still laughing at that one

I read in some other thread
www.belowtopsecret.com...




I guess a Black Hole is equivalent to the Staar

Rank Amateurs!

Mere sneering misanthropy is not, cannot be enough to launch a never-ending thread. You need sex for that. Here are some great titles no one has used . . . yet.


ATS: infiltrated by ALIEO-SEXUALS

BREAKING NEWS: Obama caught in lewd sex act with mime!

Masonic initiation ritual: MUST BE OVER 18 TO READ!!!!

NWO hookers make change in euros only -- no longer accept US dollars!

Viagra-type drugs can cause genitals to shatter---MUST READ!

HIV/AIDS created at US ARMY research facility at Fort Dederich, MD.

Mob in Birkina Faso lynches "witch" for stealing neighbor's penis

Pope declares masturbation "not necesarrily a sin;" but still bars its use in church.

See; you want to read them all now, don't you? So does everybody else.

reply to post by dr_strangecraft

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Dude, those look like headlines from the Weekly World News.

You should become a writer for the Onion or something.

reply to post by DINSTAAR

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Dam, I cried with laughter this morning when I read this thread - superb comedy. Worth a trip into BTS.

S&F

Classic.

Brei.

A quote from the UFO thread i posted above




and a great reply.



awesome..... this guy seems to be a pied piper of crack addicts.