"Trust Issues" and all of that emotional baggage.

So, I've been with this girl for a little over 7 months now. She is by no means what I would have described as my 'dream girl' before I started dating her, but as time progresses my feelings for her keep growing. I've come to see that she's an incredible person. She's incredibly kind, and I think what I like the most about her at this point is how incredibly genuine she seems to be -- she's never fake, and that's a huge leap up from my last serious girlfriend. Anyway, I'll stop gushing about her now... The thing is, even though this girl hasn't given me any reason not to trust her, I still have this lingering distrust. No matter how close I get to her, I cannot shake this idea in the back of my head that she's going to suddenly decide she's not into me anymore, or that she's going to find a better guy and just leave me out of nowhere. It's not a strong worry -- I'm not sitting around thinking about it all day, but it's kind of like a reserve in my mind to protect me from being emotionally shattered again someday. I'm sure it's not limited to this one girl, either, because like I said she's proven to be very trustworthy over time. And the worst part about all of this? I feel as if these feelings are necessary. I hear a lot of guys say that they build up 'armor' over time, and I guess I finally understand what that feels like. I've been with this girl longer than I was with my last girlfriend, and by all logic I should be way more into her than my last girlfriend, but I feel as though I'm incapable of letting her get close enough.

So, to anyone out there who has been in this same kind of situation, what do you think? Is the 'armor' (so-to-speak) healthy or destructive? Does it ever go away, or does it keep getting worse? I mean, statistically speaking, the vast majority of relationships fail, so perhaps I'm finally just thinking logically instead of emotionally?

It's not armor, it's insecurity.

On some level, you feel as if you don't deserve this...

Stop it. She obviously thinks you deserve it, and so should you.

Eventually, this "inner" feeling will start to show on the outside, and she'll wonder what's wrong. Nip it in the bud and stop it before it shows...and just trust that yes, you deserve this. (and then be happy....for you've got what many are still looking for)....

reply to post by Herman

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Hi Herman
I know how you feel--I'm the same. I try not to get attached too emotionally to anyone.It's my firewall, my defence shield. Like gazrok said it's insecurity.
So I'll make a deal with ya---If you open up and trust your gorgeous girlfriend then I'll do the same with my relationships.
Wanna shake on it
x

reply to post by Herman

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Hello Herman. Currently, my wife doesn't trust me and it's nerve racking. I don't show her any signs that I'm going to leave her yet she always believes that one day I'm gonna leave her. Like yourself, she primarily bases these thoughts/emotions, on past relationships. I don't fight with her these days and I'll tell you why. The few times we did argue...the next few days would be horrible. Because of the fight, she believed I didn't want to be with her anymore. It kills us, you know, eats at her which in turn eats at me. And the fight could be over a subject that has nothing to do with our marriage. I don't argue with her anymore. I can't stand when she thinks I wanna leave because I don't...honestly...put yourself in my shoes Herman. How would you like it if someone you loved so much thought you were gonna leave her one day? You'd do everything in your power to convince her otherwise, right? That gets exhausting. You would think she might leave you first because she doesn't wanna get hurt by you and a deadly cycle would begin. You don't need any armor either because guess what? If you keep this armor on and she does leave you...do you think your going to be less sad? The "thinking she's gonna leave you" thought will cause you more pain than if you did not feel that way at all. When a break up happens it can be the saddest feeling in the world and there is nothing you can do to make it not hurt. Even if you got to tell her "I told you...you were gonna leave me and you did." Nope...pain. Go have a 1 night stand. Nope...pain. More booze...lots of pain. You know, I don't speak very much. And when I do, I'm monotone, like that guy from meet joe black. My personality isn't very colorful. So because I'm not like everyone else around me, sometimes I become self-conscience and I might start thinking like you do about your girl..."Why would she stay with a guy like me?". All I do to fix that...is smile. Not a big smile just enough that when you come home from work she knows you're happy to see her. When you're driving with her and it's silent...keep that grin on your face. It'll make her happy too. Sorry for such a long post. I hope it helped.

Don't worry too much about break ups...

If you think your girl isn't the kind that leave men hanging in the middle in break ups, you're far better than me!

Love her to the full, not too obsessive, if you break up for a good reason and had a great talk, it won't hurt much, you're gonna miss her though, but bottomline, don't worry too much, past experiences? Forget it!

It also helps to carefully choose your women, not be easily deceived by good looks, figure, even a charming personality.

Well my best advice to you is be yourself. Those insecure feelings (if that is what they are) are not you. If you have reasons like a gut reaction to something she says or does, you might want to follow your gut and get out. But if it is just insecurity it will pass.

mate,
funny thing is i have been searching the internet in the last hour to find someone that is feeling like i am, and here i stumble upon your story! I am having the exact same problem. The girl i'm with has never given me any sort of reason to distrust her and in fact sounds just like yours. However, just like you, i am having one of those days where i think 'what if one day she gets over me, or that i am inadequate etc. Worst case scenario being that sometimes my insecurities do overlap into my actions and it is the most terrible feeling when it does, i tend to overcompensate and say stupid things and basically act like an idiot. I have given my thoughts a lot of thought, just like you have and have come to the conclusion that everyone has a bit of insecurity in them, some are more willing to share than others. Some deal with their insecurities by never entering a serious relationship, while others deal with their insecurities by hurting their partners before they get hurt. Neither is a long term nor healthy option if you ever want to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life. Truth is i guess, trying to fit two people together is a difficult task, it means both have to open up to each other about their insecurities and whatnot. Just keep in mind that she has been with you for 7 months for a reason, it's because she enjoys being with you! Give her a call, send her a text, tell her you miss her and that you will organize a dinner/something special this weekend, maybe there's an exhibition on, a movie festival... good luck mate, hope you feel better

Thanks a lot for the responses guys.

I'm not so sure that it's insecurity, though. I mean, some of it very well could be, but it's not as if I feel like I 'don't deserve her.' I'm pretty confident in myself. I mean, over 50% of marriages fail. I've seen both of my brothers and many of my friends get cheated on and jerked around(one of my brothers more than once) by the 'love of their life.' I've seen girls that have dated guys for years suddenly decide "I just don't feel it anymore," or "He's not the man I thought he was." I know I'm not unique, either. It's just...you can't beat the odds that the vast majority of relationships fail no matter how in love the two people think they are. How do you overcome that? I mean, you can predict things about people, but when it really comes down to it, people very frequently make completely unpredictable decisions that devastate the lives of the people they're involved with. I dunno...it comes and goes. I feel pretty good right now, but every now and then I can't help but think about all of those things...and then think about all of the 'guy friends' that my own girlfriend has, and how there is absolutely no way for me to really know for certain that nothing's going to happen. I mean, I don't let it show. I'm not possessive, and I don't try to stop her from having guy friends or anything like that, but...how can somebody be expected to put it all on the line when they've consistently seen others fail doing the same thing?

I don't mean to be depressing -- I guess it's just the sort of things that gnaws at you, you know?

mate
it gnaws at every person daily. I'm not saying that i understand 100% of what you're feeling, but there are things that you talk about that i can definitely relate to. and you ask the question how you can put everything on the line when you see so much fail? well, you have to understand that she is going through the EXACT same motions in her head. The most amazing and beautiful girl in the world has her insecurities and doubts about herself. I think everyone has one of those days, but then you ask yourself, ok, if i don't want to feel like this, do i a) get out and just be single? (i assume no because you seem to like and care about her very much. b) come to terms with the fact that doubts are with everyone and only through time spent with another person can they really disappear or at least be understood.

take it easy mate

The only person in this entire world you should ever trust 100% in anything is yourself, all others are just human and given to the flaws that make them such. Bottom line is to listen to your gut, it seldom leads one astray.

Make the decision not to depend on anyone else for your happiness.

Never mind what you think she might be up to - what are you doing? How do you feel about yourself? What could you work on to become a stronger more independent person?

Get yourself straight, become a person you can live with. If she stays with you, that's good. If she doesn't, well fall back on your own resources and get on with your life.

Sometimes we have to take a hit. Sometimes it's hard to get up again. We might find we have a problem that we can't get over, or under, or around. We just have to work through it.

I woke up one morning to find a giant hand ripping my guts out after a failed relationship.

I wouldn't wish that on anybody, but even at my lowest I recognised that a lot of the problem was wounded pride as much as a stomped on heart.

It took a while to understand what a waste of space I had allowed to get close enough to hurt me. Well, he was what he was but I made the stupid decision to get involved with him.

I've lot a great way of life now that he would never fit in with. He didn't even like animals much. Would I swap my dog for 'the love of my life?' A resounding NO.

Yay! I must be over it. If it ever happens to you, you'll get over it too.

I agree with you and I learned that lesson the hard way, obviously..

Still, that shouldn't stop you from loving anyone to the full. Never ever think yourself as a victim, pity yourself or even think you've been deliberately hurt. People will always be needy and kinda makes us pitiable creatures, never to be hated, but loved! People needs love and we shouldn't be selfish about it.

Love like you've never been hurt... I heard it from someone.

This is actually something I came to understand after my last difficult breakup, and something I had to work hard at over the past year or so. I have quite a bit going for me right now. In fact, I sort of have the "upper hand" in the relationship, if you will. I have a good job, and I'm a very active person in many respects. I have enough going in my life that I really don't need a girlfriend...I just really like her and therefore want to be with her. Right now, my girlfriend is actually home for the summer (I'm visiting her in early July,) and I've been getting along just fine. It's just...well, take today for example. It's already difficult enough maintaining a relationship that's become temporarily long-distance (only another 5 weeks to go,) and today she became upset with me over something. Now it's going to be on my mind all day, and I'm going to wonder what's going to happen if she confides in one of her guy 'friends' about it, and from there it just snowballs. It's almost funny when I think of it like preemptively like this.



Sadly, this is the philosophy I've been living by since the last girlfriend.

Syd,

You're definitely right in much of what you wrote, but unfortunately (as I'm sure you're well aware of,) logic and emotions don't always get along well. I'm also the type to "give a lot of thoughts to my thoughts," but unfortunately it doesn't always leave me feeling better. You're right though -- the most logical course of action is to just carry on and continually let your doubts be proven wrong (as they have been up to this point.) Chances are, something's going to give eventually, but it's pointless to keep worrying about it.

My own take on this.

I was with someone for several years. This man had so many insecurities that he thought my loving him must have been some sort of deception.. ironically his mates were which made things worse for me as they played games. It did not matter how faithful or honest I was I would still be doubted as he was convinced I would leave him for someone better and it was only a mtter of time before I realised.. and of course his mates would validate those insecurities (they borrowed money alot). I was constantly accused of things I did not do that I ended up dumping his arse just so I could leave the house without having to worry about being accused of something.

I know this is a very extreme example but it's not nice feeling like you have to constantly disprove you are untrustworthy as though lieing is the default.

I hope you are able to work out why you are feeling this way and fix what is causing it.

[edit on 4-6-2009 by riley]

reply to post by riley

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i relate to being not trusted...Accused of even looking at another man whilst shopping...one trust issue leds to another then another until I was not even allowed to wear certain cloths because other men would find me attractive in them...as to my male friends well...they certainly had to go because of my insecure, paranoid, controlling, codependent partner.

Now... he finally drove me away. Simple as that. Guess what he said to his mates.." I knew she was going to leave me!"..
I can now wear shorts in summer, and pretty dresses.... lucky me. I choose freedom from the tyarany of insecure codependent people with paranoid feelings and an unhealthy interest in where I am at all times and what i am doing. An unhealthy dependency on my life to the point that my friends are put under the microscope of judgement and yes...we winge to friends, why? because they are our friends. If you wish to make your life and her life miserable with insecurities I recommend you leave her and allow her the freedom of a healthy relationship with a man who will not send out the mental vibrations and those insecure thoughts that will affect her serenity.

Move on sir. You either love the girl or... you just want the girl.... make up your mind.








[edit on 5-6-2009 by flashesofblue]

Regarding the last two posts:

Wow, I certainly have no intention of taking it that far, and I hope that you were in no way insinuating that I'm acting like a needy, controlling jerk because I have insecurities of my own. I like it when my girlfriend wears sexy clothes, and I'm not going to be insecure because some guy is staring at her or some idiot starts blatantly hitting on her in front of me (it happens.) There needs to be a balance. People are hardwired to think in black and white. She has guy friends, and I don't mind when she hangs out with them. Now, would I be wrong for being a little concerned should she start spending one-on-one time with the guy in her class that was hitting on her last week? I don't think so.

Anyway, this is getting off topic from what I was originally talking about. I don't want this to turn into another "control your woman!" ... "No, let her party with random dudes all she wants -- you're in no position to question her!" thread.

Love is a beautiful, amazing, confusing, thing...

I love my husband more than I could ever express.

There are things I agree with, and things I can't comprehend, and things I'll never really be able to share with him....except I know it's love because his happiness is paramount to me.

Some things he does tears me up inside on one level - but I understand he's human and desperately looking for himself.

No matter what he does, where he goes, or how long it is before I see him again - i love him enough to let him go through whatever he needs to go through in order to realize what and who he really is, and what he really wants.

He grants me the same courtesy.

Love is not about clinging to another person - it's about always being there for them whether in person or in spirit.

I wish I had advice, alas, I don't.

I wish you the best.

I don't understand this mentality that if someone has any insecurities at all (which we all do,) then they're being clingy. I'm a very non-controlling person. I do believe that people should set boundaries, but as I said, I'm perfectly fine when she goes out and has fun without me, or when she hangs out with her guy friends, or when someone is hitting on her, etc. etc. I'm kind a social Darwinist in many respects. Sometimes things need to play out on their own. If she's going to cheat on me (which I don't believe she will,) then holding her back from hanging out with someone she's going to cheat on me with is only prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway, in an effort to further address my main point, I'll quote myself.



Essentially, when you see 99.9% of your friends' and family's relationships fail, is it normal to think that, most likely, you're next?

reply to post by Herman

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Herman, whats that for a statement...??



and whats that mean? Its like I dont think she will cheat but if she does...then well, I dont think she will but..then again..am I prolonging the inevitable even though .."I don't believe she will"...

Herman do you dream about believing in love...or are you so fixed on sabataging any possibility, after all "Essentially, when you see 99.9% of your friends' and family's relationships fail, is it normal to think that, most likely, you're next?"

you answered your own question.

Let me ask you a question, " please define normal?"

Honestly, now I'm getting frustrated.

The point I was making is a logical one explaining why I'm not a controlling person. I'll restate it so as to make it more clear for everybody.

People shouldn't be controlling in relationships. If person B is going to cheat on person A, then person A constantly monitoring them, not letting them out, reading their messages, etc. is just prolonging the inevitable.

Essentially, I was reacting to what I saw as an accusation of me being controlling. I was explaining why I'm not a controlling person in general, not for my specific relationship.



I'm not in love. I like the girl I'm dating a lot, but we've been dating for 7 months. In my opinion, that's not long enough to really say that we're in love. If I say I'm in love with somebody, I make it count.


[edit on 7-6-2009 by Herman]