To put your worries about your anus in perspective you need to do three things..
1) The first thing you need to do is look at your diet.
have you been aggravating your anus that way?
2) Anus contact.. make a list of things that come in contact with your anus.
Chairs, soaps, clothing and items. discuss this list with co-workers and friends... even strangers can bring light to your anus.
3) One of the things guys have to worry about is the prostate
maybe while your at the doctors discussing your anus you should get your prostate checked.
and maybe your constant talk about your anus is frustrating for it
maybe your anus is use to doing all the talking and now your monopolizing all the conversation. be quiet for a while ,meditate, and let your anus do
the talking for once....listen to your anus.. it may be trying to tell you something
Hope you find the reason your anus is acting out towards you
before its to late
[edit on 13-9-2008 by The Utopian Penguin]
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While still unclear as to whether this thread is a serious topic, or posted jokingly..or perhaps a bit of both..I was reminded of a little story.
When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body,he should be boss.
The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.
The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss.
The Eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss.
Then the Anus applied for the job.
The other body parts laughed so hard, that the Anus became mad and closed up.
After a few days, the Brain went foggy,
the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill
the Eyes got crossed and unable to see.
They all conceded and made the Anus Boss.
This proves that you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss...
Just an Anus...
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BlackOps....."assteroids.....!!*....now *that* made me giggle... 
And to the OP....I will refrain from making any jokes about bums and p**....this could be serious, as a few people have pointed out, and I don't see
that it should be a bad thing to air our problems in public...after all, we all have bums....and we have to get to the bottom of
this.....(sorry....*blush*)
Anyway...my point is...it might be a simple allergy...to loo paper....seriously! I have it and so do a few other people I know...it can be
hell...especially if you have really sensitive skin. Avoid the cushiony, quilted stuff like the plague, and try the simple recycled economy no-frills
type...much less likely to upset you.
Cait
( I just can't believe I posted here.....*embarrassed*)
[edit on 13-9-2008 by caitlinfae]
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only time mine complains is when im blocked up with too much cheese thats turned to glue.
oh, the pain! the pain of it all
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I'm thinking it might be a lunar eclipse of your anus..
On a serious note (of the trumpet) to the original poster, i thought it only fair to warn you, you are becoming the butt of everyones jokes..but
they are all big @55 holes...j/k 
any other odd bodily functions you care to share, i for one would love to know more..such stimulating conversation..hope you get to the bottom on this
asstounding issue.
[edit on 14-9-2008 by nuts!]
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I am going to butt in and assume this is asstronomically serious. I suggest you get some of those adult wet Ones moist towelettes if your burning to
get rid of the discomfort. Perhaps you could call the poo whisperers anonymous.
[edit on 9/14/2008 by eye open doors]
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reply to post by caitlinfae
Anyway...my point is...it might be a simple allergy...to loo paper....seriously! I have it and so do a few other people I know...it can be
hell...especially if you have really sensitive skin. Avoid the cushiony, quilted stuff like the plague, and try the simple recycled economy no-frills
type...much less likely to upset you.
My daughter and I have the same allergy, but in reverse. We cannot use the cheap stuff, only expensive brands.
Only the most luxurious ever touches my patootie!
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