I guess I'm not so different than every person at one point in time, in their lives. We all essentially go through identical situations, with identical people, and identical outcomes.....but I just want to change the world. And why Can't I? I can't because...in this situation - it's simply not my place.

I have this friend, I'll call her Amanda. Amanda has a jerk of a boyfriend (if you ask me) named Jack. They've been together for 5 years, and its only recently that Amanda and I have become really great friends. We've worked together for 3 years, but this summer we've bonded and become friends.

I met Jack when she first started working at the Hotel, they live in the Staff Accommodation on the property. When I met him, I got that feeling - you know the one - that something isn't quite right. Something about his eyes, the kind of eyes that freak you out a little bit. It looks to me like she loves him more than he loves her... My suspicion of Jack, was confirmed, when the first employee was asked to move out of the Staff Accom, because he annoyed Jack.

Why did he annoy Jack? It just so happens, that the guy asked to move out, irritated Jack because he stepped in the middle of an abusive argument between Jack and Amanda. Amanda was sitting in the kitchen crying, while Jack told her how worthless she was without him, and how lazy she was, and that she didn't deserve a guy like him because he was too good for her. This guy, stepped in and said "Hey man, I don't think that's really appropriate talk, I don't think this is right."

Jack's reply was something along the lines of "Get the **** out of my ******* house and find yourself somewhere else to ******* live." In the end, Amanda backed up Jack when it came to the discussion with the boss' saying "No no, Jack didn't do that, he's a nice guy. The new guy just doesn't like us."

Let me expalin this nice guy: He's 29, and he doesnt have a job. Yet, he drives into town every day (in a vehicle Amanda paid for), which is 25kms out of town. He quads the rest of the day away on his brand new quad. He doesn't work. Amanda is the sole provider in their relationship. Amanda does not do ANYTHING without first checking with Jack if its okay. I found out the other day, that she phones him from work to ask if I can come over after work for a visit. I stop in at her house upwards of 4 times a week for a visit. She has certain friends she can hang out with - I am one of them because I buy Smokes in town for Jack some days when he doesn't make it in - therefore I'm okay to hang out with Amanda.

Last week, one of mine and Amanda's mutual friends, ran into Jack in the grocery store. Apparently Amanda had told our friend Robin that she would lend Robin $100 till payday. Jack didn't know about it. When Jack found out, he freaked out on Robin in the middle of the grocery store. "She doesn't do anything without MY approval. I am her boss and she can't spend MY money until I say." The conversation was one-sided, and consisted of lots of yelling. In the end, Amanda begged Jack to let her lend the money to Robin (it was for a family funeral, all the kdis were kicking in money to send home to bury their uncle, and Robin was short on cash till payday). When Amanda gave Robin the money, she'd be crying, and she was shaking. She denied being scared of Jack. She just kept saying: "He Loves me."

This is difficult for me to see, and not do anything about. I grew up in a family with two loving parents. My dad is the kind of person who, if I was Amanda, I'm sure he'd put Jack 6 feet under in a heartbeat. I've grown up with the mentality, that people don't treat each other this way. Its easy for me to say that I would leave Jack if I was Amanda - and its easy for me to want her to leave him, she deserves better. Its not easy for her to see it, and I want her to see it. Therein lies the problem - I know its not my place.

I've never asked her about Jack. I've always let her talk to me when she needs to talk, and I never pry. I know this is a delicate situation, and me saying "You can do better." won't do anything, but make her upset with me. She's told me "Their good days are great, and their bad days are nightmares." I replied with "Amanda, I don't think you deserve the nightmares." and she said "But they're just words. I know he loves me, and I know he doesnt mean anything."

What I am scared of...is when they stop being words...what if one day he hits her? What if one day, her nightmare continues, and she never wakes up? I am so scared for her, and I know, there isn't anything I can do about it... I'm between a rock and a hard place...I just want to help her find her strength and I know I can't.

It's disheartening to learn, that there are some things, I just can not change...She has to want it herself. I want her to want it, I want her to know she doesn't need him. I want to change her world - It just isn't my place to do so.

- Carrot

You have a few "what ifs", and I am not condoning them, but sometimes life deals people a bad situation in order for them to escape it. In other words, it may take your friend getting abused in order for her to see the light. In this way, life does take care of itself. Has there ever been a time in your own life when many people have told you that something is a certain way but you never believed them - you had to do it your own way? This is kind of like that. All your best efforts telling your friend otherwise is not going to change her opinion much until she finds out firsthand about this aspect of relationships.

The best thing you can do is be there enough so that she knows she can escape from him if she has to. Pointing out working examples of relationships that don't rely on control is probably another good idea, if you can do it subtly.

I am so sorry that your friend is going through this. Somehow, (and this is something I will never understand) some women like this attitude in a man. Some women actually like being controlled and dominated. (don't ask me why, I have no clue. Probably why I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year.) ben91069's absolutely right, there isn't anything you can do about this. Not one thing, except be there for her when she needs you.

One day, hopefully, she will wake up to the mental abuse and realise that this guy is using her. When that day comes, it will be very important that you be the great person you are and make sure she knows that she has a friend to rely on.

Then perhaps you can guide her to a guy that can appreciate the kind of woman that she is. Someone that has a job and also can respect her as an individual with her own life.

The sad thing is, is that she will find someone else just like Jack. Shes going to. It's what she is attracted to. Perhaps her father was like this and this is what she thinks men are supposed to be like. I am willing to bet that all her previous boyfriends were similar in temperament.

It's a trap and an addiction for her in a way. She can't escape it because she only knows this as comfort. She would find a nice guy boring tedious and too easy. There would be no challenge for her to live up to with a guy that would respect her.

As her friend, you can try to help her out with this, however she won't leave Jack, until she decides enough is enough. Hopefully enough will be before Jack decides to become physically abusive instead of just mentally abusive.

Well, the guy is obviously a control freak. From some of the things he said, a really bad one. As I was reading his description something about the traits seemed so familiar to me. Thats when I realized, the guy sounds like the poster boy for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

"Amanda was sitting in the kitchen crying, while Jack told her how worthless she was without him, and how lazy she was, and that she didn't deserve a guy like him because he was too good for her."
Does that sound like somebody who thinks incredibly high of himself? Perhaps his sense of importance doesnt equate to his importance in reality.


He obviously has a lack of empathy by the way he treats everyone. From amanda to the guy he booted. Not to mention how disgustingly obvious it is he has a large sense of entitlement by the way he abuses amandas financial well being.

He pretty much seems to exploit anyone he can, any chance he can, to any extent he can. Anyone he cannot exploit he does not approve of.

NOW, you unfortunately cannot force her to see this. Furthermore, you cant say how you feel about him and hope she will see the light (as my personal experience this week has shown, they will side with their significant other). Sometimes, as hard as it is to watch, life has to kick a person in the ass. Experience is often the only way to get through to many people, and they will get exactly what they walked into. All you can do, is hope she will learn from her mistakes and try to be there for her.

I know this doesnt really help you, mostly because this probably wasnt the answer you wanted to hear. Unfortunately, many people don't want to be helped.

Thanks for the replies guys, and I completely agree with everything you 3 lovely guys said - I know there is nothing I can do to make her see it. I know this is something that she needs to go through. I know it might take him hitting her, before she realizes that this is NOT a healthy relationship, I just wish it didn't have to go that far. I know I need to be there for her, and I know I can't change it for her - I just wish that I could.

I know the reason she's with Jack, is because she is attracted to guys who treat her like that. I'm also convinced she witnessed this behavior growing up and that is why she is tolerant of it - beacuse to her, this type of enviornment is normal.

Its just so difficult for me to accept that this is a situation I can't fix. It just breaks my heart to watch someone I care about, being treated this way...

- Carrot

[edit on 8/9/2008 by CA_Orot]

CA_Orot,

Ive had a friend who is like this Jack you speak of, it was really disturbing to me to see how he treated his girlfriend and the consistent attitude he gave her. And how you feel, is perfectly normal. It is very difficult because you want to do some thing but you cant....some times you have to hope that the individual see's the light and realises whats going on and leaves. But, as we say here...you cant push # up a hill. Some times there is no fix, and the only way is to interfere, but again thats easier said then done! Hope it works out.

I find it very disheartening when reading things like this, i once worked in a support centre for women who were victims of domestic abuse, and it was the most heartbreaking thing ive ever done, ive always had alot of empathy with women and its hard sometimes when you realise you cant be the strength for someone else, they have to find it in themselves... i learnt this at the centre, as some women would keep returning to these 'men' that were destroying them.... Know that you are being a wonderful friend by being someone she can talk to, and be there when she finally realizes she can do much, much better without.... Its sad that some women feel they are nothing without their man, especially when hes a loser like the one your describing...
Even though you may feel helpless, you are actually being a great influence on her, by being strong and independent yourself...

Cosmicstorm, I don't know how you did it girl This is just one woman, I don't know how I could handle seeing more than one victim. They all have names, they are all people...they're not just randoms who don't matter. They are people; women who matter and deserve better. I just wish every woman knew that - and that someone had of told them this growing up.

I have such a low tolerance for stuff like this, Domestic Abuse/Violence should NEVER happen. There is no NEED for it, and its detrimental psychologically to the victim. I've thought about getting involved with the Women's Shelter here in town, doing some volunteering, and what not. I'd be a passionate volunteer, and it is something I've wanted to do for a long time. As far as I can remember, its been engrained in my brain that behavior like this, is unacceptable. More women need to know this. They are better than this. They deserve better.

- Carrot

Thats exactly how ive felt/feel!..... and id highly recommend you contact your local centre and try and get involved, you sound perfect for this kind of work, although harrowing, its very rewarding and always wonderful to see a woman regain her confidence and strength.... im planning to get back with the centre next year and maybe even switch careers to focus on it...

oh my god CA_Orot
how terrible for your poor friend.

i know that such things happen, but i am always shocked when they happen.
i completly understand your wish to help her, and i am sure just being there is a tremendous help.
and hopefully she will recognize very soon that he is abusing her.

[ double post ]

[edit on 25-9-2008 by orange-light]

Ok CA_Orot way to many words in this thread for me to read this late at night.What you need is another friend or two a baseball bat a hoody and a dark alley.Some how work it so he finds himself in this dark alley and introduce the baseball bat to his kneecaps(your friends are there just in case you mess that part up).Now stand over him with your face cloaked in shadows from your hood and tell him to rack off and never show his face around again(in a disguised voice of course).Kick him a couple of times for good measure and walk away.If you dont go this extreme nothing else will work and your mate is doomed to be his slave.

reply to post by Azador

---

Azador, trust me, that thought crossed my mind...except that I don't really want to go to jail for attempted murder, since within an inch of his life, is where I'd like to take him... HOWEVER... its not exactly feesible - I'm awful with a baseball bat.

I've talked to my dad about this numerous times, almost every time I'm home for the weekend, and I stop in to see her. ( I have since the time of this posting, moved to BC, back to University). I saw her this last trip up, and Jack wasn't around. Dad says I'm doing the right thing by being there for her. By letting her know that she can come to me with anything. That I support her in whatever decisions she makes. That I care about her and that she is my friend.

It was nice to just sit and talk openly with her for a few hours... I think that is what she is lacking right now.. I hate that I had to leave, but we're writing letters and calling to keep in touch. I'm just soo scared for her...

- Carrot