It's a cruel cycle, and one I've been thinking about a lot recently too, only on a slightly different level. I have a theory. I was thinking about my most recent break up, and those of many friends I know who have gone through the exact same thing. We were that "one guy" that girls look for, and they even told us that. The one in the romantic comedy that brings her flowers at work, surprises her with gifts, is funny, smart, intuitive, respectful, etc. Then, for almost no reason whatsoever, just when things are getting really great, she decides its over and that she wants something different. Generally after that, she winds up with some jackass that treats her like garbage. She totally screws us over, and hurts us to the point where we can no longer be that "nice guy." We decide, after realizing that we're only one out of many many more, that the only way to go about doing things is to become more closed off. We build up a shell, and eventually become that coveted "jerk" that women tend to want. The typical "man." The villain in the romantic comedy, except that in real life, the girl always winds up with him. So, I started thinking about it from the girl's point of view. Like most things, it relates back to nature. Many girls, it seems, really do think that they want the nice guy...until they start dating him. Then, for reasons that aren't necessarily anyone's fault, they no longer have any feelings for him. They have no choice but to hurt him and turn him into a jerk. Perhaps that's the way nature wanted it. Guys that were "nice" didn't survive in the wild, so nature created a way to destroy that and toughen men up without killing them. Maybe some women are like little homing devices that seek out and destroy the nice guys, so that they can rebuild themselves into jerks that are better suited for survival in a dog-eat-dog world! It's like certain women are kamikaze pilots, but they don't even know it! They latch on to a guy, then they self-destruct, causing themselves to rethink the type of men they want to get involved with, and the man to turn himself into a different person.

Anyway, I'm not serious about all of that. It's just an interesting way to look at it. Realistically, I'm never going to be that jerk. As much as I wanted to for a time, it's just not me. I'll just have to wait around and hope to find a girl that will love me enough to overlook the fact that I can't help but treat her like gold.

reply to post by Herman

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That's a very good theory and most likely a true one. I've heard countless times women say, "He's TOO nice" or, "He's too "clingy". I think by "clingy" they mean the guy is always out to please the girl, which in my opinion is not a bad thing, I mean, I do give girls some space, but people who are put off by that are quite ungrateful.

Saying that, I couldn't be in a relationship where the other-half was always doing things for me and generally being REALLY soppy. The occasional moment of being "soppy" I would appreciate, but if it were 24/7, that would annoy me. I like a strong woman who doesn't have to virtually grovel to make me like her and I'm sure it's the same for women.

I think I've begun to realise my problem is I don't know how to approach women. There was one time, I was stood at a bar and next to me was this girl who I thought was my friend. I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Hey! How're you doing?!" She looked at me and I instantly said, "Oh, God! I'm sorry I thought you were somebody else." She said, "Who did you think I was?", I replied "I thought you were *not going to say name here*", she said, "That's actually a great compliment!". I thought to myself that this was my time to make a move, maybe offer to buy her a drink or something, but then, my friends came over, one of them being stupidly drunk and she walked off! I was gutted!

Do any of you guys know any good ways to approach a girl? What would you say to them, etc.?



[edit on 28/7/08 by xeroxed88]

The way I see it, "game" is for picking up girls that you just want to have a little fun with. If you're looking for a nice girl to be in a relationship with, approach her like you would a nice girl. Just talk to her. Find something to talk about, and if she winds up leaving or something because you didn't say the right things, then she's obviously not the kind of girl you want to start spending time with. If she responds well and you guys actually hit if off, ask for her number or something and see where it goes. Maybe I'm the one going about this wrong, but the way I see it, if I need to strategize in order to get with a girl, it's probably not worth it.

Yeah, try to approach a girl without being awkward. Don't come across desperate and needy. Just be yourself, as if you were talking to your best friend. You'll seem cool, calm and collected.

Just ask a girl for a female's opinion on something and after she answers just move on to another topic. Simple.

It's just too bad women are body language experts. So even if you say the right things, if your body says differently she'll know your either lying or hiding the truth.

Just thought I'd add to my last.

No girl, unless completely insecure due to lack of hotness, is going to hook up with a guy who buys her drinks left and right, who has given his undivided attention to her and who talks for hours at a bar without escalating, unless you ARE Brad Pitt. Otherwise, these things make you seem desperate and needy. That's probably the biggest problem with most nice guys.

Make fun of her, pick at her, joke with her, tease her(this is called flirting),push her away with something you say and then pull her back with your body language. Make her think you don't need her but show her you want her. Keep her confused. Girls like a challenge, just as much as you do. That's why they say they want a nice guy, but then they realize the nice guy is boring, predictable, and it's just not fun.

Kinda like playing a computer game and beating in one day, after that, its just kinda old. You might play it once or twice a month after that, but for the most part, you want something new, exciting and unpredictable. Something that, when you turn the next corner, you have no idea what kind of deadliness might pop out and blow your brains out.

Thanks very much, DevolutionEvolvd, for the awesome advice. I totally agree about the "too nice = boring" theory.

I think one of my problems is I'm too damn picky. Maybe I should follow the rule, 'Beggars can't be choosers' abit more closely.

I've been texting the girl I mentioned in a previous post abit lately. She seems quite excited about coming home from her training and having a drink with me. I'll keep all the advice mentioned in my head when I'm with her.

Thanks again.

[edit on 4/8/08 by xeroxed88]

reply to post by xeroxed88

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Hey no problem. When you're talking to her, or any girl for that matter, just keep in mind that no matter what happens, you will be happy with the outcome. That it doesn't matter if you get this chick or not.

There's something about indifference that girls love....