I can NOT stop thinking about her. I feel like I'm going insane!

So, I made a thread a number of days ago about a breakup I just had. I'm 21 (20 when I met her,) and she's my first everything. I loved this girl to death, and unfortunately that wound up being part of the problem. The rest is described in the particularly long thread I created, which you can read here if you wish, but it's really not needed. Anyway, it's now been a week and two days, and I literally can't get her off of my mind. I've been going out with friends, going to the gym, running, hiking, going to movies, playing golf, shooting guns, I went to a bar the other night...no matter what I do, she's on my mind. Even when I'm doing something I have to seriously concentrate on, she's there. No matter how many times I tell myself it's over, I can't stop hoping she'll call and ask for me back...the breakup keeps running through my mind over and over again. Even when I'm doing things I enjoy, most of my thinking power is spent thinking about her. I feel like I've made some progress in accepting that it's over and starting to see the light (Even just a little bit,) but I honestly feel like I'm going mad over this. I haven't called her and asked for her back, because I know that would only make things worse, but this is absolutely horrible. The only time I'm not feeling awful is when I'm drinking...and that's becoming a problem, but it's the only way I can stop being sad. I don't know how normal this is, but even if it's normal, it's destroying me on the inside. I feel like I'm becoming this ugly, terrible creature inside and I have no control over it. Even when I sleep, I dream about her. I'm gonna have a melt down.

Help!

Trust me, it gets easier the more break ups you go through. You're still a young man and have a lot more trials to go through. This won't be the last. You will learn to suck it up and drive on. Years later you will look back and see how incredibly foolish your feelings are now compared to how they are in the future.

At least that's my take on it.

Go to a strip club and go sleep with three other women. You will probably forget her name by the time you're done. lol

I think you're right, but at the moment it's absolutely maddening. 9 days now of every single second, including being asleep, being focused on her, the breakup, fantasizing about her getting back with me, what she's doing, what I'm going to do without her...ugh! If only there was a pill or something that would just let me forget her.

reply to post by Herman

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Well, instead of a pill, you can always count on going out with one of your most obnoxious friends for a night on the town to take your mind off it. If you have a buddy who always manages to get into a bar fight, he would definitely be someone who could take your cares away for a little while.

This is actually pretty normal in a post-breakup situation. As they say, time heals. You may never forget her completly but you will be able to move on with your life. Just hang in there hun.

reply to post by Herman

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You're doing all the right things. Just keep keeping yourself active and the hurt will fade. I promise. I've gone through this kind of "can't sleep, can't eat, don't want to get out of bed again, why can't he just take me back?" kind of break up and all that really helped for me was just living my life and being around friends and moving forward. (Actually, I was dumped pretty horribly around finals week not once but twice, so at least I had the stress of finals to help keep my mind off it, even if being horrible upset probably hurt my grades in those classes.)

Don't expect yourself to be over her right away. It takes time to get used to things being different now, you know? It'll get better; you just have to give it some time.

[edit on 5/9/2008 by asilvahalo]

reply to post by Herman

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Don't sweat it. Most people are pretty devistated after their first break up. Just keep yourself busy and surround yourself with friends. Get out there and try to meet some new ladies. Once you meet a new woman that you like, I guarantee it will be ten times easier to get over the old one.

Also keep in mind that everyone goes through this, very rare this day in age that someone marries their first gf. Trust me though, when you do find that perfect one for you, you'll realize that the journey was worth it.

Thanks for the responses, guys. It does make me feel a little bit better to know that this is normal...makes me feel a little less crazy. I was considering finding another girlfriend, but I've heard that can make it twice as bad when you break up with that one.

Funny, asilvahalo, I was dumped right before finals week, too. I had seven tests within one week after she broke up with me. I did horrible on all of them. Pretty crappy time for that to happen, I guess.

when i was your age i met this chick, we moved in together and a few years later broke up.

took me AT LEAST a year to truely get over it. some people are really attached, others might be distant. you might easily get over heartache, others might tend to wallow in their own misery.

how long it takes to get over it all depends on various factors.

myself, for the first few months i would be asleep and hear a car drive down the street.. id sit upright and quickly peer out hoping, preying she was feeling the same and coming back to me even if it was 2.30AM.

sometimes we want something that we cant have, and we want it so badly that we cant accept the true situation for what it is.
ya know, you had something and now you want to grab it with both hands because you dont want to let go. but eventually you will have to.

do things to take your mind off it. sitting home alone downing some brews in front of the telly is only sure to end in self-pitty at this point.. live your life and do fun things even if you dont feel like it at the time.

Wow, Obliv...that's really rough! The way I'm feeling right now, I can't imagine how bad it must have been for you to get dumped after living with a girl. You must have been completely devastated, but I bet you're stronger now because of it. I'm really hoping that I'm one of those "fast healers." I'm actually beginning to see the light. I feel like I'm in a series of tunnels. At the beginning of the tunnel are dark and horrible feelings, but once I reach the end of the tunnel, there are lessons learned and maturity gained. I get a whole new perspective on things, but the next thing I know, I'm in a different tunnel. I'm making progress, though. I stopped thinking about her for 5 or 10 minutes while I was at work. I think one of the worst things are the dreams. I dreamed twice last night that I got back together with her, both times waking up and having to realize that it was just a dream. I can't wait for those to go away.

This just happend to me about 3 months ago...I was cheated on, and found out about it...

I was with mine for four years...

Boy is it tough...

But I am recently starting to see some hope.

Dont listen to the people that say "just find another" or whatever...it dont work like that. Fate has to step in, and until it does you will do nothing but think of her, because its like somone died...not just your lover, but your best friend, a family member, its sooooo hard.

In addition, the people that say "just find someone else" makes you want her back more.

I personally drank a half bottle of Nyquill everynight just so I could sleep.

I was drinking everyday, couldnt focus at work, I was messed up.

But you slowly (very slowly) realize if you try your hardest to get her back she wont come back and if you try nothing she wont come back.

Personally, I met an amazing new girl who I am really hitting it off with...yeah its not the same...it never will be...but its better than where I was.

I still think of the other one everynight and jump at anything that sounds like someone coming up the stairs...

She may come back...she may not...

It sucks...trust me i know...

Here is to another broken heart...

Yeah, it gets easier.

I used to be like that, too. Women will break your heart so much that eventually you turn into the guy that women complain about.

"He has no feelings"

"He never shows me what he's thinking"

I think this is what they want you to become, anyway. That's the guys they always fight after, and that's what they cause us to become like.

You'll get over her, and then over the next one, and the next one. Eventually you'll find one that respects you because you don't get all mushy with her. That's what they want.

Yeah, I guess I should consider myself lucky that I didn't get cheated on...as far as I know at least. I'm not even sure what was real anymore. I should also consider myself lucky that she didn't wait a couple of years to pull this crap. She meant the world to me; I can't imagine how I would have felt in another year. That's pretty terrible what happened to you, perfectenemy. You're right about the people that say "Oh, just find another girl." It just doesn't work like that. Every time I look at a girl, all I do is compare her to the one that just dumped me.

It took me so damn long to find a girl that I was sure about, it feels like it's going to take years before I find another. The hardest part about what I'm dealing with right now is the "cold turkey" effect. We shared so much...we always knew where each other were, what we were doing, what we were thinking, and then one day, unexpectedly, I'm just completely cut off from her. I haven't spoken to her in almost two weeks now. I refuse to call and beg for her back, because I know that will only hurt more, but going suddenly from sharing a world with her to not even speaking with her is driving me mad. I guess I should be proud of my will power, really.

Sublime. I guess I agree with you, but I just find that sad. I always paid for dinner, drove everywhere, etc. I actually brought HER flowers at work when I got a new job. But you know, I think I'm going to wind treating the next girl just as good...and the next one, until I find a girl who will appreciate that.

Or I'll wind up a hardened shell of what I used to be...who knows?

(imho) you just loved her more than she loved you. unfortunately, that's how it is in just about every relationship.

[edit on 13-5-2008 by LordInfamous]

Herman,

Do you think you could wait a month or so then give her a call just to see how she's doing? This call will let you know her attitude towards you and enough time will have gone by, and by then she could be missing you.
Just make it a courtesy call (I know its hard) and act very "as-a-matter-of - factly" just to get a "feel" for her reaction.

You have to be prepared and expect the worse, but who knows? I would give it a try.

Could you do it?

You know, it's possible, but I'm really beginning to feel like there's no going back. I think that, considering the circumstances of the breakup, she has a lot of issues that she would need to work through in order for it ever to work again. She has a very stubborn and materialistic view of what her future needs to look like, and I really believe that it's conflicting with the person that she truly is. I just didn't fit into that image that she had, I guess. I just heard from a mutual friend that she's going to be working a job that she had been telling me about before we broke up. It's a terrible job, I know she's going to be miserable, but she's doing it for reasons that she "wants to want" if that makes any sense. It's horrible for me to watch her doing this to herself, but there's nothing I can do to help her...not even if we were still together. It hurts because I know her, and I know that she was happy with me, but happy isn't good enough for her. I firmly believe that someday it's all going to dawn on her, but it's going to take a very long time, and unfortunately I probably won't be there any longer.

Tomorrow it will be two weeks since we've had any sort of communication, and I'm considering sending her a very simple message on myspace or email. Clear, to the point, with no possibility of underlying messages or reading too much into it. Maybe just "I'm not ready to talk yet, but I want you to know that I'm not cutting you out." That's what the emotional side of me wants to do, but the logical side is telling me to wait until I'm completely over her. The thing is, I also heard from this friend that she believes I've made it very clear that I don't want to hear from her, and it kind of hurts me to hear that, because it's not the message I intended to convey. I don't know...any thoughts on that?

"I also heard from this friend that she believes I've made it very clear that I don't want to hear from her, and it kind of hurts me to hear that, because it's not the message I intended to convey. I don't know...any thoughts on that? "

Yes. wait a month- its already been two weeks? Give it another two and then send a semi-formal note just say you hope she's doing well, and i bet you will get an answer. I dont know about the job she wants or is doing, that you dot approve, but first you need to get a "feel" for her demeanor with you. I think you can open up the lines of conversation again. This doesnt mean it will all work out the way you want, but heck, give it a try- it may lead somewhere.

Also remember that as much as it hurts, sometimes things happen for YOUR own good. your true love may be around the corner, seriously, this is how it works Herman!
Ok? So chin up and wait a bit and see what happens.

I wish you all the luck in the world.
Also, Herman, its a well known fact that when you back off, the woman will automatically want you again- I can vouch for that myself!
We are strange creatures!!!

[edit on 13-5-2008 by dgtempe]

Well, I actually sent her a message yesterday. I had a very strange realization yesterday. It felt hurtful, but also progressive. I realized that with the current path she's taking, and after all she's put me through, I'm not even sure I want her back anymore. I still love her to death, but things could never go back the way they used to be. The message was very simple, almost exactly what I said in my last post. Something like "I'm not ready to talk in person yet, but I want you to know that I'm not cutting you out of my life."



Well, I sure hope that's how it works. I don't want to wait another 5 or 10 years!



Yes, that's very true and not fair at all! My ex girlfriend even admitted to that once...so cruel.

Yeah, I think you may be right. It's just not right how she made me believe she loved me as much as I loved her. She was the one who showed all of her affection at first, and it was only after I rose up to her level that she started backing away it seems.