Oh boy! Am I Depressed!

I'm sorry, i know we have had our share of these kind of threads lately, but i cant help it, you are my friends and i just wanted to share some things.

My oldest son? The one who got custody of his two kids...is making my life a living hell ...The kids are carrying a lot of baggage, they are 4 & 7,
and they get counseling. They're coming along ok. The real problem is my son who insists on making me feel terrible and makes demands on me all the time.
Let me back up a little- i recently had a job and my husband bitched so much about me not being home that i left that job. He's an ALCOHOLIC.
Beers, beers, beers....every night. His rhetoric is like a hammer hitting me on the head bang..bang..bang.. constantly. That's one of my crosses to bear.
Now i'm home and i'm about to lose my washer and dryer because there isnt enough money to pay for them.
Back to my son again, He must have been under some illusion that if he got custody of the kids life would be incredibly good. He has cut ties with his brother, (something about him not caring), another dillusion because his younger brother loves him to death.
He is alone with the kids, has his routine, works, picks them up from school, the usual stuff parents go through.

I think the kids are getting to him and I AM TO BLAME for some unknown reason. He makes me feel guilty at least 3 times a day. He calls me and i try to offer support, and he cuts me off in midsentence and hangs up on me.
I am at the point where i dont want to answer either my land phone or my cell phone. I have supported him, cleaned his house, babysat, cooked meals, and that is not good enough for this guy.

I also have a younger son, thank God, he is a wonderful caring person and has a lovely family. He is the only thing i have in my life-
NOW they tell me they might move to Florida if they get financed for a house!!!!!

I cant take it anymore. I honestly cant.

I feel terrible tonight, sorry, i just cant cope anymore

I wish i could be positive tonight, but i just cant. My life isnt worth living.

Oh dg what a horrible situation to find yourself in. Ungrateful children (and men acting like children) really work my nerves!

You're telling me that you're about to lose a necessity like a washing machine and your husband is drinking beers every day/night ? Wth ? That is so wrong on so many levels however him being an alcoholic I can see if it's like talking to a wall.
My dad is and buying his liquor comes before anything else, even the bills!
Ridiculous.

Your son needs a swift kick in the pants How dare he treat you this way when you've done nothing but be there for him ? Never even mind all that, you're his mother! sigh

Please don't say things like your life isn't worth living. It most definitely is and it's time for you to do YOU...
I am not a mother so I am probably the last person to advise you, I'm tempted to tell you to just pack up and go with your youngest son and his family to Florida. Might be just what you need and teach your husband and eldest a lesson in you not being around for them to take advantage of.

I just wanted to reply to let you know this touched me, you remind me of my mother, so selfless when it comes to her family, which is a good quality to have. Just please don't let people walk all over you and mistake your kindness for weakness.

Bless.

Call me hon.

You know which numbers to dial.

~Ducky~

Please, don't ever let me hear you say that! You are one of my dearest friends here...and I care. You can call me anytime you need to vent about anything.

About your son, I'm sure life is difficult for him right now, but I'm a firm believer in the fact that we can't always rescue our kids, even when we want to, because doing so stunts their growth. We all have to grow up sometime, and the more we get rescued from our parents, the less likely we are to stand on our own because being rescued is just plain easier.
Helping him out when you want to, or can, is a wonderful thing that you are doing, I can even go as far as to tell you a story about a simular situation. Although not mother to child...it felt like it.

My next door neighbor is a single father, and I too have helped him for years, because I love his little boy dearly and children need some sort of female figure in their lives when they are so young. Well time went on and on...bla, bla, bla...and then he takes vacation and him and my son went deer hunting together which I thought was cool.

Well, he buys my son lunch that days and then he tells me how much I owed him when they got home. I said...ok, let me go get my purse I'll get you some cash, BOY...I'm really getting off cheap...because you're gonna be really **Bleep'n** screwed when you get my babysitting bill for the last 6 years. I couldn't believe the nerve he had!!

Oh Glory be!! you should have seen that SOB's eyes pop out of his head Guess who was watching his kid free of charge while they were hunting, and for the previous six years prior? Me! He quickly retracted that I owed him anything.

It's easy for someone to take total advantage of you, until give them a little slap. It took me about a week to get over that one, and let me tell you I did stew on that one, and then I started slowly backing away from that little boy whom I adore, little by little, because I was doing his father a dis-service, and stunting his growth as a parent. That little boy, he's now 9, and knows no mother besides me, but I had to force his dad to stand up and take charge of his own affairs because it was so easy for him to stand back and let me raise his child. The kid calls me constanly and wants to spend the night...I still let him, but I don't let him do it everyday because he needs to bond with his father....he bonded with me years ago

I think this is a very simular situation, now lay down some rules.



[edit on 2/9/2008 by jensouth31]

Girls,

Thank you

I'll give you all a call when i feel better. I'm in no mood to talk tonight
Thanks for caring.

Dgtempo, i am feeling for you. I hear your pain..just remember you have got some really good friends here, offering you support, and i would bet they would want you to lean on them, as friends always do. please take care of yourself. I am alao here for you if you need. but i bet ducky and jen will see you thro.

reply to post by dgtempe

---

I don't have any kids but I can relate to the alcoholic who thinks beer comes before essentials. That's a really tough road.

I don't have any words of wisdoms, I just want to give you a little support and let you know I care. Your ATS family is always here for you.

Strength in numbers DG. Us girls are here for you, and we can all relate in one way or another. Keep your chin up hon,and always remember to put yourself first sometimes.Especially if others are always putting you last.
Try to focus on what is good in your life even if it is just the small things. Too often we focus on the negative and the good stuff falls by the wayside.
Honey, I may only know you through the Internet, but I do know you are a fabulous person who deserves to be treated with honor and respect. I too have hit rock bottom many times over.My friends are my lifeline.Let us be that for you OK? You got lots of listening ears when you need,and lots of shoulders if you need to let all that emotion out.

Personally, I would just focus on YOU and let the others look after themselves until they learn what respect is. It may be easy for me to say this, as I don't know the full extent of what is going on in your life, but honey if you need to work to make ends meet, don't let ANYONE tell you not to.You are not owned by anyone, you do not need anyone's permission to act like an adult and take care of yourself and your home.You deserve happiness my dear, don't settle for anything less.
Lori

It's time for a group hug girls!

{{{{{{DG}}}}}}}

Too bad we can't travel back in time with a good grip on your son's ear and let him see how kids were expected to act a 100 years ago.
He's being disrespectful, don't tolerate it.

I kind of get the feeling that because he's a man now he's trying to enforce his power over you. My son did that the other day...I said something to him and he said "Hold your tongue woman" I told him I was gonna come over there and rip his god damn tongue out of his mouth is he said that to me again, to which he then remembered his place. He may be the man of the house right now, but he's not the man of me.

Not just the girls...

DG, I really can't offer much in the way of advise, but I'm here to listen, always.

You're one of my pals. Stay strong, sweetie. That son of yours...swift kick in the butt is called for.

All of your girls are gonna keep you busy Seagull. We're all down in the dumps...dang it. I had a good talk with gallopinghordes yesterday...

Kids these days

reply to post by jensouth31

---

It sucks, is what it does. It always seems to be the people who don't deserve it. I know that's not how it works really, just seems that way. I'm here to listen.

First let me tell you that you (through your post) have been there to listen to some of us so please let us help you! This sight is very supportive and I feel like I am at a reunion when ever I get on ATS.

Second, you are to good for these people. You husband needs to change or you have to. But nobody can tell you how because your life is your life. We are here for you. And when I say we I mean all of your ATS buds love you and don't want you to think that your life isn't worth living.

Third, come over here and let me give you a big virtual hug!

Buck up and stay in the game, we need you too!

Neither's mine. Wanna talk?

.
.
.
.
.
.
IT'S ALWAYS WORTH LIVING!!! I adopted a 'morbid curiosity' outlook on life, just to get me past my experiences...which I won't go into. Suffice to say...Nothing is your problem.

Everything is an oppurtunity. Break the routine. Do something new. Make your husband drink Goldedracht(belgium beer...Oh MY GOD..expensive but the best) instead....anything, something nerw and different.

We only have so much time to experience this world....

...and if that doesn't work...remember...noone gets out of this lifetime alive.

Thoughts are with you dgtempe...

Through the haze, I hope what remains in your vision is the light of our love.

I'm sorry Dgtempe. I hope there is someone you can visit who cares and loves you uncircumstantially, where you will feel safe.

Sometimes people can make us feel like our life is worth living. Sometimes things, purposes, incite new life into us. Personally, these things have kept me alive.

[edit on 9/2/2008 by Nyorai]

reply to post by dgtempe

---

Damn, wish i noticed this thread earlier.

Honestly DG it's never as bleak as it seems. It's a bloody corny saying, but like all good sayings it contains an ounce of truth.
"The sun will come up tomorrow. If it doesnt were all stuffed!"

If you want to talk you know you can u2u me.

mojo

The world has a funny way of beating the hell out of us sometimes. You look around and there isn't a damn thing going right for you. You think to yourself, "where are my outs?". What card is there left to draw from the deck that will keep you from busting out.

Fortunately, in life, unlikely cards, there is no such things as drawing dead. Yes, you are playing against much greater odds, and you have much more to lose, but you have outs and you must find a way to embrace them.

I'm not going to come on here and tell you I can cheer you up, change your situation, make things ok. I can't. You can though. There isn't anything anyone can say that can make the world go away, but it doesn't have to be that way.

I have a story for you, about a friend of mine. Shes 18 years old. Just recently her whole life changed. You see, her dad went and shot her mom dead, then killed himself. Left her on her own to finish her final year of highschool, with nobody but the neighbors to take care of her. I was talking to her one day not too long ago and couldn't help but ask "How did you manage to get over all that, get yourself into a good college and completely change your life so easily" and she looked at me for a moment and said "There was nothing easy about it. I miss my parents everyday. I miss having a place called home to go to. There is no getting over it, theres only living with it. That truth is, if I stop for one moment, I won't just suffer the loss of my parents life, but the loss of my own. I can't afford to let my life take away the prospect of living."

I sat there for the rest of the night thinking about what she said to me that day. I knew there were some truth in it. And I know that its the best advice anybody can give. There is no easy way out in life, but there is always a way out. Things are tough, and they may get harder before they get better, but they will get better if you actively work toward it.

First step is communication with these people. Figure out what they are thinking and figure out the best way to respond to them. You want to get your point across, but you can't assume they see the world as you see it. After that, I would say try to get counciling (sp?). Especially for the alcoholism. Its a hard thing to deal with.

The truth is, there is only one person here with the ability to change the situation you are in, and I think you know who that person is. You are still walking, you are still breathing, and somewhere in you, there is hope. Don't let anyone or any situation fade that.

In the end, whats the worse that can happen? The very worst you can imagine happening is only temporary. Pain will pass, the hard memories will become distant dreams, and before you know it, the thing you feared you made it through and you are still here. If the worst thing that can happen is death, then I say you made it out alright since we were all bound to hit that brick wall one day or another.

[edit on 10-2-2008 by grimreaper797]

reply to post by dgtempe

---

Hi dgtempe,

One of my all time favorite movies is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Where Clarence (the guardian angel) shows George Bailey what life would have been like, if he was never born. This holds true to all of us. dgtempe you have touched many lifes, in your path. Maybe you didn't even realize it. That one passing smile you gave to that decrepit elderly man.....gave him the strength to carry on. Or the time you kissed a boo- boo when a small child was hurt and crying. You've made so many positive impressions on many lives. Like AD said, "You have to take time out for yourself." Some people are Emotional Vampires and will drain the living life out of you. Please, don't let this happen to you. Grab the strength from within dear and take care of yourself now. It's not being selfish.... It's important, for your own well being. Trust me I know. U2U me anytime if you want.

They are making you miserable because you allow them to make you miserable. Don't allow it. Your son? You've done your part for your older son, he should not be placing his burdens on your shoulders if you aren't willing to carry them for him. Confront him on this. You can still be there for him but let him know the way he approaches you is not appropriate or respectful if he expects you to help him. I'm sure you like being nice, and might not want to do this, but sometimes part of being nice is telling the truth even if you think some harm may come of it. If you continue to hold in the truth more harm may come then from letting it free.

You don't like the way your son's treating you or his brother? let him know. Same goes for your husband. I can't tell you the best way to approach either of them. Don't know them, don't know you. Do you love them? Why? Is the love reciprocal, or is their love for you merely a figment of your imagination? If their love is reciprocal, then you should not fear telling them how you feel. If you fear that their love for you will go away if you tell them the truth, then the truth of the matter is their love for you was gone long before that point.

You can't let anger or sadness enter you through this ordeal. What will be will be. Don't let them put guilt on you because of their own insecurities/weaknesses. The opinion about yourself that matters the most is your own. Don't let other people's attempts to bring you down actually bring you down. They can only inflict harm with their words when you allow them to inflict that harm upon you. Live your life as you want to live it, not as they dictate you live it.

As for your life not worth living... Well that may be true. Your life in it's current form may not be worth living for you. However, before you swallow those razor blades, just remember that at any point you can change your life to one you'd want to live. Only you control your own actions, so it is up to you to enact the change that you want in your life. And if you really want that change, you cannot fear the consequences that may come from trying to get that change.(All this talk of "change" makes me feel like I'm running for the democratic nomination for president.) But when seeking this change, never forget to evaluate your priorities. Your own opinion should never be beyond your own scrutiny. self-examination is sometimes key to finding out the best step to take for yourself. Sometimes your motives in a given situation can be too selfish, and that should be corrected. and other times your motives in a situation can be too selfless, and that too should be corrected. Seek balance.


Ok, that's enough. I think my point has been made. Just some advice from a stranger. Take it however you wish.

Thank you all for your good advice. I have read them all, an yes,its up to me to do something about it.
All my life i have wanted to make people happy, make everything alright, go that extra mile and split myself and my time so that i can make everyone happy at one time or another. Its just that nothing i do is good enough for some, and i have sat with them to explain and to just plain talk to see where the problem is and just when i think i may have solved things through communication, a few days later its as if we never talked.

It can get so bad, that my youngest son (25) would love for me to find a boyfriend and leave his own father! Or just plain leave him, period.
I guess i have not done so because my mother would suffer and at 81 i dont want to cause her heartache. I cant see me living with him much longer, to be honest, he's broken me down so badly that i dont know what i would do with a nice guy? I guess i'd have to get used to being treated nicely...that's pathetic.

I never have opened up myself like his here, but i realize that in order to heal from these wounds i carry, and in order to try to change, i have to talk the truth and i thank you all for listening.

As it stands right now i dont know when i will leave, but i know i will, and it wont be for another man, i will do it for myself.

Life is precious, i realize that, and i am not going to hurt myself. I'm not here to be talked out of something like that, because the truth is i value life, and i wont be swallowing razors anytime soon. I'm a happy-go-lucky person who just wants some sembleance of peace, and i guess i am not destined for that.

There are some here very young right now and to them i have some advice. Please, please, do not fall for the first person who comes into your life. Experience life, experience many people before you chose the one you are SURE is the one will make you happy!
I did not do that, and look where i am today.

Thank you all for listening to me.

Piemaker, thank you. I understand.