I am a proud single father of a beautiful 7, soon to be 8 year old little girl. Taking custody of her was and is the smartest and best decision I have ever made. But it seems that all the things you hear about women thinking that single fathers are great, that they find it admirable, sexy, honorable is just crap. In the two and a half years I have had full custody, I have had 1 steady girlfriend. the relationship lasted six months and it was an amicable break up. But we did break up because of my girl. I have also been on many dates . Even a couple of second dates. As soon as the topic of my daughter comes up and they find out I'm a single parent, it seems the phone stops ringing and I don't hear from them again. Most of my dates have been with women with no kids. The few I have had with moms, even my recent ex, didn't seem to like the fact that I have full custody of my kid.

So my question is: Do women really respect single fathers or do they feel threatened or otherwise intimidated by this?

Any opinions would be welcome. Are there any other single dads here? What have been your experiences?

My friend has three kids from a wife that has passed! Two boys and a girl, boy 18 and 10. Girl is five years old. He is officially a "Mac Daddy Player!" and the women love him. They are always offering to help watch them or make the family dinners.

I'm single. Hmmmmmmm! Is there a place where you can rent kids?

Maybe if I show my baby kitty "Spanky" that will do the trick!

reply to post by GAOTU789

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Personaly - LOT of respect, and the want to help.

My oldest son got custody of his two kids and finally, finally, he's grown up and is totally devoted to the kids. I have a lot of respect for him, for everything he's done and the hardship he's enduring raising two little kids all by himself.

Personally, i have a lot of respect for you too.

Why dont you tell your dates BEFORE you go out and spend money on them about your situation? I wouldnt wait until the date itself to tell anyone. They will chew and screw

Tell them right off the bat- dont be afraid.

I have a ton of respect for single fathers.

That being said, getting serious with a man who has his kids living with him can mentally equate to being 'instant mommy' and the idea scares the crap out of some women, myself included. I can't remember how many times I screamed 'You're not my father and you can't tell me what to do' to my mother's boyfriend and caused huge fights between them while I was going through my teens.

Just be upfront about your girl - there are plenty of women out there who don't have a problem dating men with primary care and then you won't waste your time with the women who may not want children in their lives.






[edit on 4-11-2007 by Duzey]

reply to post by GAOTU789

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Everything you said has been my experience also. I have two kids 6 and 9 and not having any luck finding a woman. Of course I have to stay home alot because im a single father, and (trustworthy) babysitters are hard to find.

As a single a parent myself, I have a lot of respect for any man who is willing to have a relationship with his child. And the fact that you went the extra step to get custody shows how much your daughter means to you. Any woman should respect that because it shows a level of maturity and commitment that some men lack.

I agree with the others that you should be up front about the fact that you have a child, but you should keep the interaction between the two to a minimum. This will reduce the scare factor for the woman of thinking that she is being an "instant mommy" and your daughter doesn't need to meet every woman you take out.

Good luck, it's not easy to find someone that will love your child as much as you do, but they are out there.

kudos to all the single fathers!

I personally respect a man who is has custody of his kids. It really says a lot about the person.

It wouldn't worry me if I met someone with kids. I like kids, have 2 of my own, G 17 lives with me and B 11 who lives with his Dad. oh ^ that is funny, I like kids, I have 2 of my own just as well!!

Those people who are not interested because you have a kid read way to much into the relationship. I think a lot of people are very selfish.

If that changes their interest then your better off without them anyway.

oh and I just remembered a convo I had eons ago.

I had my daughter by myself. Before I met my husband I dated a couple of guys. I had been out with this guy twice and I hadn't said I had a daughter. It wasn't deliberate. Who talks during a movie? We had a coffee and that was about it.

Anyway, he came over to picked me up for the third date and came to my door and of course I was giving my little cherub a kiss goodnight and he was shocked.

Anyway, so we go out and he is like OMG I didn't know you had a child? I was like, yes I do. I didn't say too much more about it. As far as I was concerned I was on a date with him and it was just a date.

He then after some time of thinking about it realised it was none of his business and said so. I laughed and said, yeah well, it is just a date
I went out on a couple more dates with him after that. That was it.

Farout, you go out once or twice and that means serious stuff?

What is wrong with some guys? Is he dating me or my children? I tend to think most guys don't like the fact you have kids cos they just want to get into your home to shagg you and kids make that a bit hard. I went out with a guy for nearly a year and he met my children twice. He was not allowed to stay over my home at all.
Prolly a bit mean. But, whats with the assumptions?

Even now, whenever I am asked out, I say, only if you don't mind being the last on the list? You would be number 5.

I come first
My children second
work and study third
my family and friends fourth
boyfriend fifth

Thanks for the replies.

I do usually mention that I have a daughter I just don't say straight off that I have custody. It always comes up though when we start talking about children. I don't mean asking "Do you want kids" but more in the "Tell me about your daughter" way.

reply to post by earth2

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That has been my experience also. It seems because I have to stay home a lot and can't just go out at the drop of a hat, women lose interest. I too just won't let anyone babysit. I have to know them well and trust them. I guess that should go without saying though.

100% respect for a single father,

Think of it another way, None of the girls you have met so far have been right for YOUR family,


The right girl will take on you and your children and think of ways to involve them in the nights out lol ..

bowling and movies and take outs can be your friend lol,

I have dated a man with a child, and it was great,

I guess you just have to be the Family kinda girl,

Dont loose hope there out there !

I think they do, but you know? It varies from person to person. I think anybody willing to raise another human being regardless of the circumstances is one of the most admirable things you can do. Good on you.

I'm a single mom. I don't think it's the fact that you're a single father so much as the fact that you have a kid that isn't theirs, if you follow me.

I don't think I'll be able to find a guy who wants to be with a woman that has two little kids not by him, so I'm not even going to try. I don't have the energy for dating anyway. Nor has my track record with picking date-worthy guys been good in any way.

I think it takes a certain kind of person to want to be involved with someone who already has kids, because they know they will always come second place.

reply to post by MajorMalfunction

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Yeah, when it comes to single moms, coming 2nd to the kids can be a huge problem.

We single guys shouldn't have to fight with a girl,
"Give me some private time!"
"No! Fuss over me and the kids in front of everyone!"
"NO! Give me some private time first!" etc etc....

reply to post by Duzey

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Agreed, really depends on the woman and what she wants or has already.

For the record, I respect any single parent man, woman, or transgendered.

Peace

GAOTU789,
Has it ever occured to you that you need to develope better tools to weed out the wildlife?? THere is lots of wildlife out there ..male and female. You obviously need a better filter system to weed out such wildilfe so that you are not wasting such time and moneys on them.

You are fiinding yourself in the dating position of what many women have been describing over the years. You are also finding out that women ..like men can be in their own way ...just as shallow.

Has it occured to you that in thier own unintended way..these women are doing you a favor. Even if the benefits of this favor are not intended for you..or your daughter??

Remember...in this social structure here in the USA..only men can be commitment phobes!!! Correct? Are you thinking yet?? Has it occured to you that indirectly these women are telling you that they are not intrested in coming in last behind you or your daughter?? They can't take the competition ..from a child??? Count your blessings here GAOTU789. They are doing you a favor.

Understand now about commitment phobia?? You just need to devise a better filter system before you spend alot of time and moneys on these women. The moneys you waste on women like this are coming out of your daughters future...understand now?? Get yourself more effecient at weeding these women out before spending alot of time and money on them.

You have me thinking here about things among the wildlife. Wondering to myself how many women you know who marry men who have familys and the women dont. I know a number of men who have married women with kids...and they ,the men, have none..not so much the other way around. I know more men doing this than women. How about you?? Or the readers on this thread?? While this may vary in different regions of the nation..It is , to my knowlege, mostly men doing this for women and kids. Have you any thoughts on this??
I mention this in the view that there may be a definite difference in social values in operation here, male and female, for which social thinkers and engineers may not want light to be put upon. Any polling data on this??

Let me give you this example of how shallow some women can think out here among the wildlife. They are just not accustomed to a man being able to think past sports conditioning and Hooters.

Where I work there is a guy in the other crew...who married a woman with three kids. He has no children of his own. At a family cook out at the home of another of our co workers....I had the opportunity to speak with his wife. We are pretty much a blue collar group in the work for which we occupy.
She spoke to me about her desire that her husband, my co worker, at times be more of a "gentleman." I was shocked at this shallowness. She is saying that she might have married beneath herself.
She wants a man who will match her evening outfit when they go out?? Her social beliefs and expectations?? Astonishing...she wants the fantasy. How shallow.
My response to her before walking off was "Dont to watch so much Oprah, Dr Phil, Maury, and the View... also pull your head out of your backside. Get some fresh air and clear your brain cells. How many "Gentlemen " do you know who would marry a woman with three kids???" Astonishing to me the entitlement mentality through marriage of some women. Not all but some. It is just that this kind of thinking or non thinking seldom makes the light of day. I believe that most women do not expect to be held accountable to this type of thinking....particularly by a man.

Now I feel bad for this co worker. Would that I had never know this about thier marriage. He is a good co worker, doesnt leave you hanging on the job, dependable,safe too, not a slacker, also works lots of overtime for their family. I probably should have walked off and just said nothing.

Well, I think you get the idea....GAOTU789. Not all women are like this. I am not saying that at all. Just dont go out here unarmed. Learn to develope a filter to weed out this kind of nonsense. Women do..so why cannot you??

Over the long run these women you are describing are doing you a favor. Learn from them and develope the proper tools/filters for the benifit of you and your daughter.

Obviously ..as posted by others on this thread..it does depend on the caliber of the woman. Its up to you to weed out the wildlife.

Also to Duzey...Hello!! Its been a while. Good to see your post. Hope all is well with you up north. I agree with you here Duzey. GAOTU789 needs to be up front with these women about his daughter. It will help him weed out the wildlife. They can deal with this or get on down the road.

Thanks,
Orangetom


[edit on 5-11-2007 by orangetom1999]

Hi GAOTU789,

I was actually looking for a way to send you a brief private note of thanks for your kind comments on another thread and found this.

I've heard of this being true for single Mom's but I'm somehow just motified and shocked to hear it is also true for single Dad's as well thus shattering any suggestion that all woman have an uncontrollable maternal instinct. Gender apparently has nothing whatsoever to do with it.

I have enormous respect and admiration for any single parent placing the love of their child first and foremost above all else. And I cannot imaging anything else that would attest to your true character more than what I just read as you proudly boasted about your beautiful little girl.

You certainly have my full respect!!

I'm a single Mom and know very well the perils of dating as a single parent; it doesn't seem to be much different for men. It's hard to find some one who can handle a relationship with a single parent. I finally gave up. I actually had one man tell if I gave up custody of my daughter we could "have something" needless to say I went home early. Just be straight forward about it and if she's right it'll work out; if not you and your daughter are better off without her. My best advice is don't introduce your daughter to all your dates she doesn't need the turmoil in her life.

Kudos to you for putting your daughter first and taking care of business. All parents but especially single parents have my respect. Parenting is a full time job and the best and most rewarding one there is. There is nothing else that we will ever do that is more important then raising our kids.

Good Luck and let us know how it goes.

[edit on 5-11-2007 by gallopinghordes]

Lots of good comments/suggestion's, thanks.

orangetom there is certainly some validity to what you say. Maybe they are doing me a favour. I try to see the good in people though I guess and a date gives me a good excuse to get out of the house. Whether that is a good reason for going on dates or not is debateable I guess but I haven't had any really bad dates yet.

Majormalfunction, don't give up, there has to be someone one out there. At least I try to believe that. Maybe he'll show up when you least expect it.

I don't recall any of these women meeting my daughter, GH. I agree she doesn't need that kind of turmoil in her life. I have to be sure that they are ready to meet her before they do.

Sounds very familiar, GAOTU789. I too had a 6-month relationship that I thought would go for the longer term, but the real life of my being a single mom got in the way and it ended. He couldn't handle the last minute cancellations if my son was sick, for instance.

I don't bother going out a whole lot, although my parents live next door and are happy to babysit when they can.

My track record with men is poor, to say the very least, so I am focusing on raising my son and building my career instead of dating. The payoff is already there: I have a happy, confident little boy and a career that's going somewhere.

So to answer your question, the right woman will like, respect, and eventually love you for you, including the fact that you have a child. If a woman is at all needy and self-absorbed, she might want you, but she won't want your child around.