Hey guys..
Post all you funniest jokes in this thread so we can keep the jokes together on 1 thread so the aint all over the place

So you want a day off.
Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.
This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

WTF!

Why Couldn't Helen Keller drive? Cause she was a woman!

Whats the hardest part of nailing a baby to a tree? Peeling it off!

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Cleric walk into a bar, you think one of their Gods would of told them it was there.

Hey guys this is a mind trick.. :

Count these numbers up in your head not with a calculator..

1000+ 40 + 1000 + 30 + 1000+ 20 +1000 + 10

If you get 5000 your wrong..








The good answer is 4100

Some thinks to know of Bill gates ..

1. Bill Gates earns US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion a YEAR!

2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up because during the 4 seconds he picks it, he would've already earned it back.

3. The US national debt is about 5.62 trillion dollars, if Bill Gates were to pay the debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.

4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still be left with US$ 5 Million for his pocket money.

5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in US. If he doesn't drink and eat, and keeps up his annual income i.e. US$30 Million, he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates is now.

6. If Bill Gates was a country, he would be the 37th richest country on earth.

7. If you change all of Bill Gate's money to US$1 notes, you can make a road from the earth to moon, 14 times back and forth.But you have to make that road non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 planes to transport all the money.

8. Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he will live for another 35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish all his money before he goes to heaven. Last but not the least: The Best One!!

9. If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1 for every time their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will be bankrupt in 3 years.

Some other jokes for you guys !

- Did I not see you yesterday at the mall, with a grey jacket? No? O, than it was a rubbish bag after all! .

- Are these your eyes, I found them between my brests!

- At this moment i have a déjà vu and a loss of memory at the same time. I thin I have forgotten this before.


Peace out ! Jo!

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October of 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95.

American: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadian: Reccomend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

American: This is the Captain of a United States navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadian: No, I say again, divert your course.

American: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the 2nd largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by 3 destroyers, 3 cruisers, and numerous support vessels. Measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadian: This is a lighthouse, your call.



Absolutely true, lol_________

Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.

Great joke! But...


The Navy says it never happened.
www.chinfo.navy.mil...

Here's a good joke that always bring a laugh with the gals and the lads....it's better to tell it with a few people around. Be sure to pick one of your guy friends as the target.

Hmm...let's say that Phil is the target.

***joke begins***

Women have for types of orgasms. A postive, a negative, a religious and a fake.

The postive: Oh YES!
The negative: Oh NO!
The religious: Oh GOD!
And the fake: Oh Phil






[edit on 25/6/2006 by SportyMB]

A family of moles living out on the farm wake up one morning. Papa mole sticks his head out the hole and goes mmmm, I smell pancakes. Mama mole sticks her head up thru the hole and goes mmmm, I smell bacon. The baby mole tries to get his head up out of the hole but it doesn't fit because of the other heads, so he goes buaaahh, the only thing I smell is molasses.


Pass

Oh well, just a couple more.


A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off! I'll hold your monkey for you."


One of my all-time favorites:

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says: "Hey captain, did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate says: "Arrrhhhhh, it's driving me nuts."



Pass

Haha, the navy says alot of things never happened... I'm pretty sure they wouldnt admit to something like this either.

[edit on 27-6-2006 by johnsky]

Brazil are playing England in the semi-final of the world cup. In the Brazil changing room Ronaldinho says to all his team-mates "Go to the pub, I can beat England by myself" but they all say "You can't, its 11 versus 1" They eventually give in and go to the pub. As they order their drinks, one says "put on the teletext to see the score" It reads

BRAZIL 1-0 ENGLAND
Ronaldinho first minute!

So they all start cheeringand get really drunk. A while later they put the teletext on again, this time it says

BRAZIL 1-1 ENGLAND
Lampard 91st minute!

So they all go back to the dressing room, and Ronaldinho is really upset. He said "I let the country down, I let the flag down, I let the people down and I let the
shirt down" So everyone says "but it was 11 versus 1" and Ronaldinho replies "Yeah, but I got sent off in the 4th minute"

How did the mathematician get over his constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Why do nuns love Jesus?




HaHaHa

Sporty